I probably shouldn't worry about it too much and it's silllllly, but I kind of feel bad so I'm mentioning it any way..!
I've gotten lots of faves and several comments lately, and my style of answering them is very very random, some get answered some don't, I miss nearly all the comments on some pictures and write page-long replies to others. I give thanks to some faves and others slip my mind. Now my paranoid fear is that people might feel I don't appreciate the love and feedback they give me if I happen to miss replying to them in some form. But that's not the case. I read everything and look at everyone's pages, but I'm a fickle little person who some times can't talk can't write can't think at all. So um um...what I wanted to say is I LOVE YOU
. You can rest asured. Uh huh. If you ever felt unapreciated I'm sorry.
Oh oh! And I think I have His Radiance mister !BellZ
and his girlfriend (that's right isnt it?) ~TroubleNight
(who's also beautiful and talented) to thank for this sudden little peak of popularity, as they gave me a few faves. So. Yeah. !!
I feel alright just now. Just now now now. I'm on a mini-adventure. My dad let me in his office so I could use his computer, and he's off to some party, so I'm here alone in a big architect-office, and it's night, and only a few lights are on, but this place is really huge so I can't be really completely sure if I'm alone or not. There might be a few late workers! I saw a couple leave earlier.It's kind of exciting
I'm shivering with anticipation (well, not really, I'm actually very calm about it) because I might finally be getting a computer of my own all to my self..! I haven't had one for a year. That will mean no more, or not so much library, which I might or might not miss. Oh I probably will, I always end up missing mostly everything. But this means I'll have the chanse to do more things and do better, more complex things! Which I might or might not end up doing. I have a myriard of ideas in my head, for little projects I could do, both in photography (right now I'm more interested in that) and drawing. But I've also noticed I have a bit of a short attention span when it comes to projects. (ADHD much? X3 ) I think about them non-stop for a couple of days, then I lose interest. It does happen that fall in love with old ideas later and then they might actually come to be in some form.
I didn't do any planning for my latest set of images, it actually happened for other reasons. I was going through all my hair assecories and wigs and things, because I have something on my mind that they might be needed for, that you might see in the future, and I came across my old extentions from..2003? (And if you're a convo stalker you might know this already!) They were a frizzy mess on the bottom of some basket. Really tangled and awful. Well I started to reinvent them. I discovered that I could, one by one, comb them and straighten them on really low heat, if I was careful they wouldn't melt (they're syntetic). So I used my old straightening iron for that and they turned out just sil-ky..! It was a lot of work, though. I amused myself with that for a long time. Then I made them into these two wearable units. I also reclaimed my old wigs. They were all pretty tangled but two of them were horrible. One of them was partly burnt and melted, and the other seemed to have just melted on its own, in lack of better things to do I guess. It was chewing-gum'y. I worked on all this for maybe two or more days (well okay, nights). And they turned out interesting! And pretty cool I think. Well any way! I tried on those extentions after I was finished with them. And I thought they were nice so I painted my eyes and put on a touch of lipstick and took pictures. X__x So un-artistic. But also impulsive and organic so I guess that justifies it. Now I'm slightly embarassed, or maybe just amused? I haven't been this fat in a good 3-4 months, and that wasn't my best night either, yet I still
managed to get a couple "omg anorexic"-kind of comments. It's kind of funny. But I promise I'll be slenderer the next time you see me any way. Wheater you like it or not. Hahaha, bring on the flames. XD
I've learned to bend my feet behind my head now. Well the left foot any way. The right one I can get comfortably on the top of my head. Yum. >_>
Last night I had an unusual experience. I had just finished showering and already tunred off the water, and as I leaned toward the mirror to uh, probably look at my teeth or something (yea I have a full body mirror in my shower X_x ), and opened my mouth, a really unnerving thing happened. I heard this ticking noise from my throat. It was in the rhytm of my heartbeat/bloodflow, but it sounded like a clock. Really odd, I can't really imagine what kind of tissue would make that sound. Well I had fun with it for a minute, open mouth "tick tock tick tock", close mouth "silence". What quality-amusement!!! When I went to bed another similar, but different phenomenon happened. I was very relaxed, when suddenly I felt this weight inside my chest and another odd sensation, and then I heard something I can only compare to a sigh from beneath my ribs. Nothing more happened. I listened to Madonna cuz I couldn't sleep wouldn't sleep. American life. She threw me into last year when spring was turning into summer. That's when I last really listened to that album. I remembered this walk I took one night, when mom was staying at the hospital for a while and I was living alone at gramses (which sounds pretty weird but makes sense if explained in depth. But that takes much space and doesn't matter any way.). It was a cold evening, and my hands were freezing. The sun was setting and on the side of the road grew some trees. I went there and walked in that mini forest. There was a hill and I found some pieces of a broken mirror. I thought about picking one up and taking it with me, but on second thought it would have been a little disgusting and not made any sense. I made my way down to a shore. Mist was forming on the ground and as the wind picked it up it looked like translucent bodies floating past me. It was magical, and my heart was aching. For two different reasons, two different people, and neither of them was at fault, and there was nothing I could do, be it help or reach out, to. And for me too. But that place had beauty and it comforted me. I kept walking and I came to a spot I had seen in a dream. I hadn't been there before, not that I can remember. But it looked like that dream I'd had. I sat still, because I'd found a bench and a table, and I felt a warm sensation in my neck, between my shoulderbaldes. And I thought about someone else's shoulderblades, and how they might look if golden ribbons were to radiate out from between them. It turned dark some time, and when I left I felt beauty like ecstacy, but it also took me apart wiht it's intensity,and it was painful in all it's loneliness. Longing? It was a really cold night and the tram just wouldn't come. It was quite a long walk to get to the station any way. It reminded me of the walks we would take with my friends in upper secondary, nightly some times..
I was reminded of this again. I'm too many people. Well, have
too many personas actually. Too many ways I behave in. (It would be dandy if they danced for me like puppets. But I have no say, I'm just observing them from the audience. It makes me nervous because it's about me.) I don't buy the concept that one is one's personality. Is, is, am... Am not! A personality is something to have. Alright. But I can't deicde. I can't control it. I get thrown from one pattern of behavior to another without having much say in it. I know what I'd like to be ( <have), but I just can't, and I know what I dont want, but I just end up being ( <having). I curl up around each person I encounter and become some response to what they emit. I'm not quite strong enough to decide on my own what I'm going to be/do/behave like. I feel guilty. It's because I feel guilty. I'm ashamed, and therefore I get to be told what to be like. It's complicated. I say things I mean but not always all of them and not all like I'd like and not in the way I'd like. And more. I don't know. It's hard to explain. It's a feeling. Those are tricky. I some times have feelings. But occasionally I catch myself not feeling, and it makes me a little sad for being so inanimate. But also, if I was inanimate, maybe a nice doll, then someone could give me feelings, and words, and personas, a life and adventures, friends, loves and all. I'd be immaculate, perfect and with no worries of unwanted changes, and nothing that happened to me would be my own fault. But the problem is I'm not inanimate. But I want to be better. I really do.
I thought about a metaphor for these wishes I have: I'm sitting on a nightly roadside, and in my sky there are no stars or sun, but that's fine by me because such dreams are so distant I could never get to them any way. In the distance four streetlights are visible, and radiant to me. I'm like a moth to them so there's nothing I'd like more than to get to them and press them up against me as close as possible, or merge with them even, but I don't know how to. I know I should walk down that road, but I have long since forgotten how to walk. I can't really see where the road leads either because those streetlights are so far away and so faint against that whole unoccupied space. I don't know how to walk, in fact I don't know if I have legs, or if I ever had legs, I might have been born legless, expected to grow ones by myself when I finally get it. So all I can do is sit there, creating an image of those lights in my mind, hoping hoping, oh hoping so badly that like indeed attracts like and those radiantly radiant morsels of content would rush toward the image I have made of them in my mind. Or that when I stretch out my thoughts it brings togethers points A and B, and draws them toghether so that place I want to be so badly and this place I'm in could be one, if movement doesn't exist or is impossible in this place.
I hope that didn't sound too miserable.
I woke up really early today. At 10 am. It's insane. I saw a lot of sunlight and much freezing cold. I felt like a fish on dry land. But I saw something pretty. It was snowing out of a nearly clear sky. Lots of light airy ice-cold snow that the sun coloured golden. I prefer overcast usually but I didn't mind seeing that at all. I don't hate the sun. I'm just very sensitive to it. It's too strong for me.
And I have this song in my head. Or a part of it. It's from Red hot chili peppers "Especially in Micigan" :..Cry me a future where the revelations run amuck
Ladies and Gentlemen
Lions and tigers come running just to steal your love
Out on the farm we'll be swimming with the mother duck
Deep in the middle where
Lions and tigers come running just to steal your love..
Especially that part ''Lions and tigers come running just to steal your lo-o-o-o-ove" in my head. (edit: Oh gosh I checked the booklet (?) of that album, and it's toally 'luck, not 'love'. Uh. But I'll leave it be if no one minds. He doesn't pronounce the -ck, at all. I'm an idiot and the internet lies/contradicts itself about this, too X__x )
I'm so conflicted about that band. Some times I really love some songs and they play me just right and mister Kiedis' voice is just lovely, but other times it's almost a bit annoying when he sings from his nose too much. I have a sharp musical sense ( some music-person claimed I had an absolute tone ear or whatnot, when was a kid) so impurities of tone kind of make me jolt inside. But I do really appreciate the beaty of an extreme or breaking voice or tone in some instances. Uh huh.
Oh oh, and I nearly forgot..! I've started a decent scraps gallery, too, if you're interested (I mostly just used it for storage and alternative versions before).
Also I want to send many kinds of love to all of you chyldrenn.
And special kinds of love with a twist for a few who may or may not read this. And a few who will never read this. For selfish (shell fish) and not so selfish reasons. But pure radiant lo-o-o-o-ove for every one.
And may you stumble across a beautiful marigold some where. Because marigold is such a beautiful word, and a pretty spiffy flower, too.