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/"To love and to be loved."/ When I first read this anonymous quote eight years ago, I laughed. I was fifteen and a freshmen in high school. Graduated from middle school, most of my peers would have cooed over the sentimentality; not to mention their hormones were racing for "that hot upper classman". Getting a taste of love- in my opinion, lust- didn't mean a damn to me. For me, there were two things which mattered- my studies and my family. Sadly, even the previous meant more to me than the latter. Don't call me conceited, yet, I considered myself smarter than my peers. Why? Well, namely I didn't contend with the bullshit of romance. I refused to let anyone new into my life. I solely wanted my full concentration and nothing more. The obstruction of anything different would hinder the progression of my future goals. However, that mindset crumbled in my junior year. Mid October was a busy month for me: absorbed in my AP classes, studying for mid-terms, and preparing for my senior year; nothing could alter my actions or thoughts. Even when the snotty prep girls squealed for a month about a foreign exchange student arriving by Thanksgiving, passed over my head without consideration. Alright, yes, I committed over-achievement-over-kill. But that was what I lived for, okay? Two days before Thanksgiving, I aced all my mid-terms and started looking ahead to Christmas break. No, no, not to relax and enjoy the three week vacation, rather, to study ahead. Last day before Turkey Break, I was walking past the office and noticed a young man I didn't recognize. I briefly wondered if he was the exchange student. Shrugging I continued onto AP Government. After the three day holiday, I was ready to return to school. Nothing gave me more comfort than sitting in class and listening to lecture. Of course in AP Government the Friday following break, our teacher introduced our new classmate. If the fact the prep girls were swooning doesn't alert you, the introduction was for the new kid. Feminine whispers and muted squeals rose throughout the room. When the teacher told the young man to sit in the desk beside me, a new clamor drifted into the air. I was oblivious to all the heated glares and spats of insults until... "Hi, nice to meet you. What is your name?" A blush colored my cheeks. Gazing side long I saw him smiling at me, patiently waiting. I absently flipped through my text book as I quickly whispered my name. "That's cute. I'm..." With my barriers down, his name infiltrated my head and wouldn't leave. Least to say, that day's class was uncomfortable. Over the next month, everyday in AP Government, new boy would greet me with a smile and ask me one question. The inquiries varied from what was my favorite color to what were my future plans. And they never followed a consistent basis. On a Wednesday two weeks before winter break he pleasantly walked into our shared classroom and entered his seat beside me. "Good afternoon." I nodded back, knowing what was coming next. A pause fell between us. "... Why... haven't you asked your daily question?" "Ah! I got you to speak to me first! Haha!" Consternation flashed in my eyes. He stopped laughing and looked at me with serious eyes. "Sorry, I wasn't mocking you. I just wanted to see if I had broken the ice with you." I blinked several times as my composure rippled. /Of course you have broken the ice. You seemed to know I was antisocial yet you are the first person to attempt to get through to me. To know me./ I cleared my throat and twirled my pencil between my thumb and index finger. "Do you have a boyfriend?" I fumbled my twirls. I actually turned to face him with such a personal question. /Why are you asking this? You typically ask impersonal, and frankly, standard questions. Why are you going personal?/ "No." The syllable slid from my lips before I could think further. He smiled and then gazed at the teacher as class began. That day in AP Government was the worst since he transferred to our school. "Ok, this week I need to review for Chemistry, World Literature, and Trig. Then, I will take time off for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Then the following week..." Hearing my name called from behind, my winter break study schedule was interrupted. Turning around, I saw through the snow flurries that constantly smiling face. "Sorry, I know I've already asked daily question. But I was wondering if I could ask you another." I blankly stared at the one person who knew how to make me confused, "Yes." My short answer broadened his smile, "May I have your phone number?" Eyes wide, and breathless, I couldn't speak much less look away. A sheepish grin tugged at the left corner of his mouth. Shivers traversed my body. /Why am I so nervous? He's just another human being. A human being I'm trying to treat like a difficult text book. Wait! Did I just think that!!/ "Here." His grin never faded as he handed me a small folded paper, "You seem taken aback. So I prepared." He winked at me, "Don't let the ice freeze over again," as he walked toward his bus. I stumbled onto my bus and plopped into my usual seat. I stared at the note, opened it with numb fingers, and sucked breath in sharply. /His phone number. Oh dear god!/ I laid my head against the window; never folding the note again. Well, the two days I had planned to "relax" for break didn't happen. My thoughts whirled uncontrollably that it was hard for me to study to forget about that dammed number and the boy who never stopped smiling. Upon returning to school the second week of January I told myself to put an end to this stupidity. I walked into class Monday afternoon, waited for him to show up, and rehearsed my speech in my head. Staring at the white board I didn't see him sneak past my gaze. "You called didn't you?" I jumped, making my desk hit the one behind me, "What?!" "I take that as a yes. You see, someone called and when I picked up no one answered. The other end was deathly quiet for two minutes before the person hung up." "How-" I couldn't believe he had known it was me. I was too nervous and shy to wish him a Merry Christmas. His sheepish grin appeared, "Well, family is the only people who have my number. And they always respond when I pick up." I just nodded, I couldn't say anything so I continued to stare at the white board. "You know, it isn't that big of a deal. I realize you are shy, and that is why I'm not pushing you or anything." /Goodbye shock absorbers!/ "It's... it's not really that. I'm just... I don't like to socialize. I prefer to study." "I understand. But, I hope I'm not intruding on you too much by trying to be friends." I finally turned to face him. How could I say no? How could I be mean to someone who was new to our school and trying to be friends with me when no one else had? The truth was... "No. No, I like you being nice to me." The teacher clapped his hands and class started. From that cold January day forward I couldn't ignore him. He had broken away my defenses and slowly persuaded me to let him in. Near the end of March everyone in school was chattering about prom and all the indiscreet things they were going to do. With everything else the school hosted, I didn't pay heed to the news. I just wanted to put cotton balls in my ears to block out the noise. However, the last day of March I was packing up my government books when he approached me. "Hey, can I bother you a second?" For the first time I smiled at him as I turned around, "You don't have to ask to talk to me." I got a glimpse of his shy smile, "Well then." He stepped closer as the last two people filed out of the room, "I have a very serious question for you." I cocked my head to the side, "What would that be?" A visible shadow fell across his features, "I know you hate school events, but if I asked you to go, would you go to prom? With me?" If I hadn't been so attentive on listening to him I would have visibly swooned. Truth be told, my soul did swoon. I was speechless for several minutes. He cast down his eyes and nodded. He readjusted his messenger bag before stepping around me. "...Wait." I spun around to see him stop at the threshold, "I... I... can go. I mean, yes, yes I will go." The relief that flooded his face made me want to sigh in relief. He nodded then took out his phone, "I'll call you sometime to make plans where to eat, etc. Ok?" I merely smiled and nodded. So yes, school sponsored activities were now a part of my agenda, at least in concern for prom. He called me a week later to discuss where we wanted to go for dinner and what time he should pick me up. When I told my mother I needed to buy a dress she squealed in delight and took me shopping that instant. Literally, that instant. Suffice to say my family, his family and he were all ecstatic. I hid my true feelings of course. But when I hung my long pale blue ball gown in my closet I felt happier than I had in years. April passed by with little change. Surprisingly none of the preppy girls found out about my agreement to go to prom. However, half the cheerleading squad, the athletic girls, and the two rich girls asked my date to prom. He politely declined with the cliché phrase, "I'm going with someone already." With that cliff hanger, Junior Prom arrived at the end of the month with nobody expecting me to show up. After an elegant Greek dinner and a beautiful flower hair comb added to my French braid, he drove us to the local college. The baby blue dress shirt with white tie under his black suit made him look like a fashion model. Comparatively, my dress of light blue with one shoulder strap and bodice top which flowed into an ankle length pleated skirt was modest. But he told me I looked like a completely different person. His compliments, and gentle grasp of my hand warmed me with acceptance. As we walked into the college ballroom, he never released my hand. He me directly to the dance floor as the first couple to start the evening swaying to the slow song. As the night progressed, we received stares and whispers of astonishment. One thing shocked and appalled me after Junior Prom- the idea of having a boyfriend. When he returned me home, I got my first kiss. And not to sound 80s esque, it was stellar. To the point, we were official and the news made front page of the social scene. Despite the heated glares from popular girls until graduation, I was truly happy. He was the perfect man for me. Through his love and devotion I became an alive and jolly person. Graduation arrived and ended, and we were still together. During the summer we spent weekends chilling and exploring our new found love. Mid July he sadly announced he had to "go back home". He dreaded the thought, visibly showed his reluctance but I told him "everything will be okay. Don't fret about a thing". He just hugged me tight with a ferocious kiss. One week later he was on a plane to his native land to visit family. We promised we would stay in contact via email- we never broke that promise. Three more weeks passed with only strained, cyber communication, however, we managed. That is, until the third week of August. The day before I left for college I received an email from an unknown user. Suspicious I opened the message suspecting it was spam. I almost blacked out after reading the first line. Several days later his body was brought back to my land, his adopted land. The funeral was murder for me. My heart splintered into so many pieces I swore I could never glue them back together. I suspended my entrance into college due to the severe depression and guilt which plagued me. The following spring, after a long and painful recuperation, I tee rolled to college and moved into my dorm. Despite my "mended heart" and "improved romantic feelings" I avoided love yet again. Once again I was a freshmen who hated love and studying was my life. For more than a year and a half I hibernated in my dorm room. Miraculously, my junior year I decided to take romance for a test drive. Throughout my Junior and senior years I nabbed a few boyfriends, but none of them lasted more than two or three months. I couldn't find a gentleman I had once known and loved. Disappointed, I reverted back to my studies, and hanging out with girlfriends. Now that graduation is around the corner I look forward to my career life. I have an offer for a good paying job which will provide a stable income for graduate school. At least with this job I'm not numb. I do t have to worry about intimate disheartenment and distrust. I can focus on my dreams. Yet, something tugs on my mind, something old and warm which changed me with a surprising gift and an uncertainty of ever finding it again.... "To love and to be loved."'